


mario kart

by 100demons



Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 04:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy challenges Coulson to a game of Mario Kart to win back her iPod. Coulson accepts her challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	mario kart

“Everything comes with a price, Ms. Lewis.” Coulson leaned forward and held out his empty hand. “What are you willing to give up for your iPod?”

Darcy leaned back in her chair and propped her feet up on her desk. “Are you propositioning me, Mr. Agent?”

“You’re avoiding the question,” Coulson said without batting a lash. “Well, Ms. Lewis?”

“I mean, you guys _are_ the ones who took my stuff without permission. Now you want me to give you something for it? Kind of not fair.” Darcy puffed her cheeks up and blew out, bangs fluttering in the wind.

“No, not fair at all,” Coulson agreed. “But these are the terms I’m laying out. Are you willing to sacrifice something for it?”

Darcy looked up at him, tossed her hair over her shoulder and pushed her glasses up her nose. “I’ll make you a counter-offer, Mr. Agent Coulson. I challenge you to a game of Mario Kart. I win, I get my iPod. I lose, you keep it. Deal?”

Coulson’s eyes narrowed for a second before he smiled, his straight perfect teeth gleaming in the light. “I would be delighted, Ms. Lewis. Tomorrow, then?”

“Tomorrow,” Darcy nodded. “Twelve noon. Be there or be square.”

“How terrifying.” Coulson dipped his head and walked away, letting himself out of the makeshift laboratory.

“Well,” Darcy said, looking down at her hands. “I guess I know what I’m doing tonight. Have to defend my honor as Mario Kart Champion of ’04.”

\---

“FASTER, FASTER,” Jane screamed at Darcy, holding up a Wii remote in her hand. “DO YOU WANT TO GET YOUR IPOD OR NOT? LOOK AT THAT, YOU’RE ONLY IN SECOND PLACE. WHAT KIND OF MARIO KART CHAMPION ARE YOU, HUH? GET YOUR ASS ACROSS THAT FINISH LINE. THROW, THROW THAT FUCKING BANANA! DO YOU HEAR ME? THAT BANANA WAS MEANT TO BE THROWN. MAKE THAT FUCKER _SLIP AND DIE._ ”

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WOMAN,” Darcy yelped as Princess Peach was hit by a turtle shell. “YOU’RE NOT REALLY HELPING.”

“MOVE YOUR PANSY-ASS, LEWIS. DO YOU WANT THE MAN TO WIN? FUCK THE MAN! FUCK THE AUTHORITY! FUCK COULSON!”

“I don’t know if robots are fuckable,” Darcy said thoughtfully. “I mean—how would it even work, you know? Does Coulson even _have_ a dick?”

“Oh my god, _ew_ ,” Jane said, cringing. “How do you even come up with this stuff?”

“Well, you _did_ say, quote-end quote, ‘FUCK COULSON!’” Darcy pointed out, artfully dodging a banana peel.

“Just focus on the damned game.”

\---

“Okay, Lewis, you can do this. You can kick his ass. Remember, iPod is waiting for you. Alright, I got this. I got this. I—“ Darcy stopped and stared as Coulson pulled up in front of the gas station inside an enormous race kart, mock-up turtle shells and banana peels loaded up in the back.

“I don’t got this,” she squeaked.

“Well, Ms. Lewis?” Coulson pulled off his helmet and gestured at his side just as a second race kart pulled up next to him. “I have accepted your challenge. Are you ready?"

“Fuck me,” Darcy said faintly, pulled on a helmet and climbed in.

**Author's Note:**

> for ladyinkling who asked for darcy/coulson and didn't realize that i can only write bad crack fic. 
> 
> /sobs
> 
> I'M SORRY.


End file.
